Yesterday night I had a nightmare...

I dreamt I was getting married.

Angsty Young Punks

When I was younger, I admit I made a fair share blunders and errors. Even now, I still commit stupid mistakes, most of the time in the name of good fun. But somehow, I think this young punk has taken pole position from me:

Prease lor. Don't always prease lor.

I won't judge him but I can't help but make fun of his wangdefool video. Prease pardon me.

First of all, I can't help but notice how he keeps talking about drinking breast milk. I'm quite curious how he knows that other kid still drinks his mom's milk. Its creepy if you think about it. Prease, Aaron. Come out of the closet. If you are gay, just admit it. If you love the 14 year old kid, just tell him. I know they say, 打是疼骂是爱 but you know, going so angsty and threatening the boy like that won't help your cause. Aaron, just say it. Say you love him. Prease. For goodness sake.

I won't take a cheap shot at his language, instead I want to talk about his hair. I don't know how Ryan Gobangthehead's hair looks like (Though I won't expect it to be great) but if you ever dye your hair or have funky hairstyles, never go commenting about people's hair. Trust me Aaron Gaylord, I know it from personal experience.

One other thing Aaron. I lost you at around 3:30. Prease, I know you're feeling the angst but that's no reason to prattle on like a never-ending fart.

I guess I've had enough cheap shots on this guy. Here's a parting shot, I think he's very very similar to this guy:

Arty Farty Stuff

Been quite some time since I felt inspired watching a music video. Its just so arty farty in a sophisticated way that I feel like this. I'm so inspired that I do not know what to do with my inspiration...

This was the cover version that got me started searching for the original:

Here's the original with an arty farty music video to go along:

But the arty farty stuff from Amizarashi that caught me was this song:

Great song with a great arty farty music video. I wish I had translations to their songs because I'm so sure the lyrics have deep meaning to them.

Cannot be UNSEEN: Seriously face melting

Just 30 seconds and you would have officially destroyed your life.

Disclaimer: I will not be responsible for any loss of eyesight/eyeballs. You have been warned...

You may start puking now...

I have made my choice!

I will vote for 陈先生!!!!

哪个陈先生!?!?!?!?!?!?

那个陈先生咯! So easy. No skills involved at all!

Cannot be UNSEEN: K-POP Spoof.

Its been quite sometime since I posted. Well I actually haven't posted since I returned from Japan. I love Japan. So today, here's something from Japan that when seen, cannot be unseen!

IT CANNOT BE UNSEEN!

JAPANICATION!!!

Concert ticket. Check.

JRail Pass. Check.

Plane tickets... Collecting at the counter in 19 hours time.

Going off to Japanify myself. Hopefully I won't become mutated in the process but I won't mind getting some fantastic power like telekinesis or time and space control. Be back in 2 weeks time. JAPANICATION!!!

The Bizarre Things People Do

Its not until you get a bicycle and find a place to park and chain it that you find some of the weird things people chain up...

Every child's dream car. Thefts would normally come from teenagers to adults. I can't think of a toddler who would try and steal this car. In fact I cannot imagine anyone in my area who would want to steal it. Unless there's a jealous parent somewhere who wants to get rid of this car because it makes his child's smaller more broken car look bad. It doesn't make sense to lock this up. What's more it is wasting the space I could park my bicycle in! But it cannot be compared to this:

If this was meant as a joke by some jovial parent then I think its quite hilarious. You chain your bicycle up because you do not want someone to steal it and people steal it because they can use it. However, I cannot put a finger to why someone would chain a pram. Is there some adult out there who rides prams around the neighbourhood? Perhaps the same jealous parent who might want to steal the car would also consider stealing the Awesom-O 2000 pram because it is better than his/her Brav-O 1000 pram.

I respect the owner's freedom to chain up anything he/she wants. You can even chain your misbehaving child there (though it would be considered child abuse and I would call the cops) but I just find it bizarre that people would keep such things under lock and key. In fact such objects would normally be kept at home. More importantly it is taking up space which I would have wanted to use for parking my bicycle!

How to Survive an Apocalypse: Apocalyptic Scenarios

There are various scenarios for Apocalypse ranging from sudden internal combustion to alien invasions. So we will now delve into the the possible scenarios and ways you can increase your survival chances.

Internal Combustion Apocalypse:

No chance of survival. If it happens, everyone dies and the scenarios shown in Life After People plays out.

Environmental Doomsday:

If you were napping during Geography lessons, you might be in for some trouble. It would be good if you can join up with some handsome American Meteorologist. At least you will understand the situation and the possible dangers you would be facing, things like if the ice caps melt in one day, you should not be in Singapore and if you see the water line receding suddenly in beaches, you should drive as far inland as possible. Oh and not to show off or anything but melting polar ice caps causes seal levels to rise not solely because of more water in the oceans. Its like your cup of iced milo, the milo would not overflow because the ice melts. The sea level rises because of more liquid water being available for expansion when heated by the sun or any other heat sources.

Basically, environmental disasters requires knowledge on what will happen next and a ton of luck to survive the crazy things nature will throw at you. Of course avoid small islands and the source of the destruction for better survival chances.

The Meteorite from Space:

Most of the time, a crew will be sent to space to save the world from certain doom. If you aren't part of the category of guaranteed survivors mentioned in the previous post, don't think about surviving if you volunteer to be a hero. On the other hand, staying on Earth and hoping all goes well gives you a better chance of survival because after much drama, the crew will still save the day.

Furthermore, you could use the spare time to hook up with people on the pretext that the world is ending. Of course when the world doesn't end then things might get awkward but then that's another problem for another time.

However if things did not go as planned and the meteor does hit earth, then refer to Environmental Doomsday for help.

Bible-esque Doomsday:

According to the Book of Revelation in the New Testament of the Bible, the lamb of God (supposedly Jesus Christ), will break the seven seals of the scroll, the Angels will sound 7 trumpets etc... Grandpa Wiki has a neat description of what will happen. Some claim that the chapter was written figuratively however lets take everything literally.

First, I would suggest planting bear traps on the fields. This would be in preparation for the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse when the first 4 of the 7 seals are removed. If the horses can't run, then you would be able to outrun them. Then again the 'horses' might refer to Ferraris. In that case, speed spikes would work well. Call in the traffic police as well. The summon aunties would do well to give out summons if these 'Horsemen' try anything funny.

Then while all that is happening, stock up on immense amounts of insecticide in an underground bunker. Perhaps creating DDT (the banned insecticide) would be good. Its the end of days anyways. Why would insecticide be important? More on that later. The bunker would help you tide through the opening of the remaining seals and the sounding of the first few trumpets.

Once things settle down, the fifth trumpet should sound. That's when your DDT would come in handy because for 5 months you will be fighting locusts. However if the locusts you meet look like this:

Refer to a future section for help.

Next you would have to be aware of taking sides with anyone since thee would be a false prophet and beasts of the sea and land. So to avoid getting dumped into hell fire, it would be best to lead a more hermitic life wandering from shelter to shelter.

If you're still alive up till now, well done! As much as it would seem like a good time to start taking over the world, it would not be a good idea for a mere mortal to embark on such a daring quest because you will be up against powerful beings. Beings like Satan and company. Besides, you might end up becoming the false prophet mentioned and burn in hell instead. However if you happen to find the Sword of a Thousand Truths, then there might be a chance for you to rule the world. At least until you get thrown into hell...

How to Survive an Apocalypse: General Tips

First of you will need a survival pack. Specifics can be found here. If you're lazy to get the full set, like me, I'd say have a torchlight, swiss army knife, lighter and a first aid kit. Thats the minimum you should have.

Then, depending on the situation, it would be wise to form a team. Call your friends up. Working with people you are familiar with would be great. Try to form a well-rounded team based on the different classes and of course, stay away from the snitches and leechers.

Once you have a team, it would be good to have a base of operations. A good defensible base with multiple escape routes would be good. Fortify and stay safe.

If you are Asian, like me, you will 99% of the time become a jabroni (so you will die somehow, somewhere) unless you are Japanese. The only people who have the highest chance of survival are Caucasians. Besides that...

You have to be a freaking handsome/beautiful person. The next best candidates for survival are these category of people. The charming looks are a natural repellent of death. If you aren't well-endowed, just take everyday as it comes. Each day will be a blessing. Of course being good looking also means your partner must be good looking.

Depending on how merciless or practical you are, it would be wise not to have your spouse in your team. Yes. NO SPOUSE IN YOUR TEAM. Why? Unless your spouse is the ultimate survivor, love can only screw your chances of surviving. The story is the same all the time. A plan is executed and somehow, somewhere the plan goes awry. Then a spouse gets into 1) a life threatening situation or 2) a fatal accident. Since love prevails, the other love bird would in the case of 1) jump to the rescue and 2) become depressed and demoralized which in turn leads to carelessness and eventually death. In some cases, other jabronis are dragged to hell as well. So if you really want to survive, either get a kick ass spouse or just put a bullet in your spouse's head and save yourself from future misery. If love prevails, then don't say I didn't warn you. Of course if you and your spouse fall under the category of good looking people, then you stand a fantastic chance of survival.

So that about covers most of the general tips for survival. In the next post, we will look at survival tips in specific situations.

How to Survive an Apocalypse: Roles and Classes

So Harold claims that Apocalypse has been postponed again! Thats the 3rd time! 3rd TIME!!! If it doesn't happen, what reason will you be coming up with next? I thinking something along the lines of, 'Oh... I think the PC up there failed. There was a virus that prevented Earth from being uninstalled. They're scanning the system with Norton to get rid of the virus and spyware after which uninstallation would resume. The scan would take XX years so the next date of Apocalypse is ...'

That aside, if Apocalypse did happen, how are we to survive? For the next few days, we'll look at surviving Apocalypse. Today we begin with a person's:

Roles

Before talking about survival, here are the 3 main roles you may fall in:

The Survivor: Less than 1% of the world would survive the entire Apocalypse. Only the chosen ones belong in this class.

The Bad Guys: From minions to the Evil Mastermind, they make things hard for the Survivor. Some may survive so that they can carry on the fight another day.

The Jabroni: Most of the people will fall here. Rarely do they survive the Apocalypse. They die to make the Survivors look good.

Classes

Then there is the class you might belong to:

The Leader: The voice of the group. The Commander. The man with the plan.

The Geek: The one with all the know-how. A walking encyclopedia.High intelligence and technical expertise might be compensated by a low EQ.

The Hulk: Pure brute force. The guy who spent every day of the week pumping muscles before Apocalypse. Overwhelming strength might sometimes be overshadowed by a lower intelligence.

The Medic: Heal. Heal. Heal.

The Weapon: An expert with some/many/most weapons. Shoots/chops/blows/kicks/punches anything with lethal efficiency.

The Stamina: Probably a previous sportsman. Not to be confused with the Hulk. Keeps going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...

The 'Ninja': Agility and stealth. Ability to fight is optional. Those belonging to this class have good sneaking skills and/or are good thieves/ lock-pickers.

The Leecher: A burden to whichever group he/she is in. Not good with anything but wasting resources. Usually the cause of death for Jabronis.

The Snitch: The idiot who usually keeps the last Kit-Kat and says there's no food left. The traitor who would turn on you for a piece of Kit-Kat. The little twat who would sells you out. Another main cause of death for Jabronis.

The classes are very general and any person might inherit characteristics from different classes. In the next post, we will look at general tips on surviving any Apocalypse.

I am Turboman!

But I'll probably become Brokenman after it all ends...

Apocalypse

Some guy in in America said that Apocalypse is approaching. I wish I could bet against him... Wait, his Christian... So that means he can't bet... DARN! Anyways. Its supposed to happen on 21st May 2011 at 6 p.m in America. Meaning in about 4 hours time, the world might just end...

According to this article, good people will be beamed to heaven, leaving scums like me behind to suffer hell on Earth until October 21st. That means that ALL the crazed people (a small portion, not all) from City Harvest are going to be gone! Why does it feel like I would like it better if the apocalypse DID happen? If apocalypse does not happen, I'm sure the guy who predicted this would try to save his own face by saying something along the lines of, 'Oh! The world prayed enough and the apocalypse has been postponed!'

Anyways that means I (and the other scums left behind) get to be KING! Wowow wee woh! King in the castle! King in the castle! At least until they decide to end the party on 21st October. That means 6 months of nonstop fun... Sounds like a good deal to me.

Nonsense aside, I have one more piece of nonsense. In light of impending doom, I thought it would be appropriate end the post with the BEST SONG FOR AN APOCALYPSE EVER CREATED. Enjoy scums and heaven-bound people.

JUMP FOR JOY!

The thing that caught my eye in the new Government cabinet was not an appointment but rather an omission and its none other than the minister I have been flaming for the past few posts. Mah Bow Tan has 'retired'. Well thats the nicer way of putting it but actually its just a nicer way of saying he got outed by the gang, sacked, rejected, FIRED! Here's a little tribute to him and his buds, Raymond Lim and Wong Kan Seng.

Sooooooo wrong...

I only got 2 predictions right BUT I'm glad I was right that their total percentage fell. This fall would be good for the nation. Why? Mainly because the PAP know they cannot afford to be complacent and ignore the voices of the people anymore.

The fall of Aljunied GRC is of significant importance. Despite having George Yeo, Lim Hwee Hua and Zainul Abideen as main weights, it was still won by the Worker's Party. This shows that the PAP is not as impregnable as they were in the past. Their GRC strongholds can be breeched. They can be taken apart.

This victory for Worker's Party is also a statement of intent. It shows that they aren't going to hide in Hougang forever. They have what it takes to expand and with this victory, their ability to recruit quality will increase. Come next election, there will bound to be even stronger candidates from the Alternative parties.

PAP has realized this is a sign of things to come if they go on stuffing policies down our throats with no regards to our thoughts and behaving all high and mighty. They know they cannot afford to jalan jalan on our faces for the coming years and if they continue to do so, it would be downright foolish. The figures are there. They don't have many victories greater than 60% for many of the GRCs. They can even be considered lucky to scrape through with a couple of SMCs. If they forget that this victory was hard-worn, they can be sure the next election will see them lose even more.

I respect the fact that Hsien Loong kor kor apologised. In fact it could have been his apology that saved his party but it remains to be seen if they have learnt their lesson.

That aside. I still CANNOT FATHOM WHY MAH BOW TAN IS STILL IN PARLIAMENT!!! I wonder if those voters in Tampines who voted for him realise that this was the chap who made our houses insanely expensive. The chap who is making many spend half their lives paying for their houses and still claiming they are affordable. I can accept that people like Lui Tuck Yew and Charles Chong are still in parliament but I don't understand why this champ is still in. UNACCEPTABLE! Now we might have to repent for 5 years for this. Thanks for screwing up the plan.

As for Tin Pei Ling, I'll just watch how the world tears her to shreds. Somehow I think its 70% her and 30% Nicole that Ah Goh didn't get a firm victory. Maybe Hsien Loong bro placed her there to sabo Ah Goh, tongue-in-cheek style. Ah Goh was definitely not pleased. I won't be surprised if she is removed and a by-election takes place with George Yeo taking over. May the drama begin...

Alien vs Predictor

I've cast my vote and as my vote is secret, suffice to say I've been very obedient. The entire week of rallies mounts up to this day. With all the results to be announced. With that I would want to state down my predictions.

Well I would expect that PAP would still retain a vast majority of the seats but their mandate won't be as strong as 2006. There would definitely be a drop of their overall votes. Previously it was 66.6%. I'm predicting that it would fall to around 60% give and take 2%, mostly give I'd say.

I'm also going to say the following parts would probably be won by the Alternative Parties:

1) Aljunied GRC (WP)

2) Tampines GRC (NSP)

3) Bishan/Toa Payoh GRC (SPP)

4) Hougang SMC (WP: Yaw Shin Leong)

5) Potong Pasir SMC (SPP: Lina Chiam)

6) Mountbatten SMC (NSP: Jeannette Chong)

Black horse predictions:

GRCs: East Coast GRC (WP) and Holland Village/Bukit Timah GRC (SDP)

SMCs: Pioneer SMC (NSP: Steve Chia), Joo Chiat SMC (WP: Yee Jenn Jong)

There are a few PAP minister who I wish would not return to parliament namely Lui Tuck Yew, Vivian Balakrishnan, Gan Kim Yong, Wong Kan Seng, Charles Chong and most importantly Mah Bow Tan. They don't come up with great ideas and seems to me as though they're around only to infuriate Singaporeans. I seriously hope that the Tampines residents can see enough sense to vote MBT out. I can't fathom a reason not to. He is a serious waste of taxpayer's money. For a loser who snuck through the GRC back door not to be ejected, you guys seriously have to repent if he still wins.

I'm thinking Worker's Party would be able to push through due to the overwhelming support. If their rally support converts to votes, I don't see them losing. Perhaps they might even win some of the unmentioned GRCs. For Aljunied, though George Yeo is a fine person but I think his time in Aljunied is up. Especially with that report about the police case resurfacing so close to polling day. Definitely a dent to their hopes. The SMS from the PAP support group and that last minute leaflet further depict a desperate attempt at salvaging some lost hope.

Chiam See Tong has been a passionate and selfless leader all the while and with Wong Kan Seng and Mas Selamat's escape still tied together, I'm inclined to hope that Mr Chiam claims the GRC since even the SM threw Wong Kan Seng under the bus in defense of George Yeo. Sitoh has been in situ for the past 5 years and I can still see Chiam's loyal supporters voting keep SPP in Potong Pasir.

On the NSP side, it would be impossible to topple Goh Cheok Tong's stronghold despite the Nicole phenomenon but I can picture Jeannette Chong taking Mountbatten. Steve Chia might sneak one against the PAP at Pioneer. I'm expecting them to win Tampines by default.

Last but not least, with Vivian' low blow and budget blow, I won't be suprised if people have had enough of him and decides to let him enjoy his 3 meals a day in a hawker centre, foodcourt or restaurant as a CIVILIAN.

Meanwhile in the United Kingdom...

Picture from http://www.novinite.com/view_news.php?id=127768

In case no one remembers or knows, Prince Williams and Kate Middleton got married while people were chanting, 'Worker's Party!' and PAP was talking about co-drivers and passengers. In Singapore, this wedding has been overshadowed by election fever. Even if there were no elections, many would sure be thinking, 'What has their wedding got to do with me? Why they need march past and fly-by for their wedding? National Day Parade ah?'

True that. Their wedding is really over-hyped but which country can say, 'I have a King, Queen and a royal order of knights! One of whom led a team that has won the treble in 1999 and is about to lead them to BPL and Champions League victories in the coming month! The previous sentence being pointless but RISE SIR ALEX!!! ALL HAIL MANCHESTER UNITED!' So since you can never ever really have a wedding that's so grand with horse carriages, adoring crowds, a bishop to do your wedding vows, marching contingents, fly-bys, and more than a few hundred thousand people chanting, 'Jim lo ki! Jim lo ki!' then I think its pretty cool to watch fantasy in real life.

In other news:

No. They didn't re-marry again. They were invited due to the squeaky man's involvement in the failed World Cup bid with Prince Williams. I think he would surely be knighted in the near future. Sir Squeaky. Posh Spice's hat looks horrible/terrible/incorrigible. They said that aliens would be coming for the wedding. Maybe the truth isn't far from that. Posh Spice was probably relaying footage of the wedding with those antennae. Sometimes I suspect she's one of them. She always has that stoned look. See Beckham smiling like the sun but she maintains a p-p-p-poker face. Scary wife...

I Spy

1. Go to Uncle Google.

2. Search for 'inurl:"ViewerFrame?Mode=" -inurl -intitle'.

3. Tadah! Access to unsecured network cameras!

Credits to www.skoopio.com

Cool Gadgets

When I look at the following videos, I can think of 101 ways to entertain myself with the weapons. I would shoot someone's butt with it, test it on a friend's pet fish, fire it at cockroaches, shoot noisy people's legs, point it at people and scare the crap out of them, shoot the Ferrari's side view mirror, destroy the lights at the opposite HDB block, etc...

Lucky for the world, I do not have possession of such weaponry. Looking at the gadgets I can't help but hum the James Bond tune... Dang dadang~ dang dadada~ dang dadang~ dang~...

The Crossbow

The Dua Pao!

The Dua Pao Version 2.0!

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! The Nyan Nyan Song

I challenge myself to immersing myself in 3.5 hours of non-stop Nyaning. See you on the other side!

Sleeping Beauty

Feels so good to sleep right? Found this chap sleeping after lessons ended.

CPE 183 Engineering and Society. The lesson no one really goes to though the lecturer is actually pretty interesting. There are a 2 possible scenarios.

Scenario 1: The lesson ended while this chap was still sleeping. As there aren't many people attending the lecture, there wasn't much noise and shuffling to wake the chap from his slumber. So he continued sleeping.

Scenario 2: He went in earlier to get a seat during my lesson in preparation for the next lesson.

I'm assuming its scenario 1. Sorry young man. Sleeping during lecture is one thing but sleeping even after the lesson had ended minutes before is a whole new ball game.

They say that in the army...

The army's been making its rounds on the news lately. Nope. Not because we were the number one to respond to the Tsunami in Japan but because...

This infamous picture has been making its round all over the internet and its spawning spoofed advertisements and posters. (Check the article here) I could spend all day making fun of it but lets cut the rich brat some slack. He's been flamed nearly to death. He has since owned up and apologized because he couldn't take the pressure. I guess he thought the army was going to send him to the UN Peacekeeping Corps to toughen him up if they found out. Actually the army taught us one important rule: Do anything you want but don't get caught. Tough luck kid. If there was no sneaky bastard leopard crawling behind you and taking the shot, your maid could still be in the army.

After looking at the picture, I thought, 'Wow, luckily I'm still wearing the old army uniform. Makes me look like a lao jiao! My reputation as an ex-soldier is still intact!'. I spoke too soon...

The lao jiao chu pattern make us look like kuku jiao (Read it here). As a fashion statement... Honestly, it doesn't look hip. It doesn't look cool. It looks like cock! I don't really have any pride to say that I used to serve in the Singapore army anymore...

As if it wasn't enough that the army was having a bad field trip in the media camp, another soldier gets in some trouble after his girlfriend's pops and uncle bashed him up. By the way, his girlfriend is jail bait. Meaning he will go to jail if he 'plays golf and putts the ball into the hole'. Let's not go into the relationship thing and look at something else. The situation is kind of funny/weird if you think about it. Your girlfriend's dad and uncle bashes you up and you report them to the police. They're definitely going to jail. How are you going to face your girlfriend after that? Obviously its the father's fault for bashing him up but the whole scenario is kind of dramatic, isn't it?

GF: Errr... Honey, Can you not send my dad and uncle to jail? He's my dad you know?

BF: Ummm... You're aware right? They kop my phone, kidnapped me to a cemetery, gave me a 'blanket party' then posed as dead Japanese soldiers and threatened to cut my balls off with a samurai sword. Okay I made up the last part but they still threatened to 'BANKAI!' me with the sword...

GF: Yeah, I know. But he's my dad and he treated you to go K-box and sing song right? I heard you had K Lunch and sang a lot of Eason Chan and Jordan Chan songs. Please... For old time's sake?

BF: But I nearly died! Besides, I only sang 2 songs. Your uncle and his pals sang all the Chen Lei stuff while your dad kept coaxing me to drop the charges. I didn't even get to eat the lunch set!!! I AM HUNGY! AND I AM ANGRY!!! RARRRRRR!!!

GF: I think I might want to sue you... I'm jail bait, remember?

BF: WHAT!?

Alright. All that is total nonsense but thats the drama of life. Anyways, just to clarify, though I'm not a big fan of the army, I'm still quite proud to have served it. Things will blow over and hopefully the army work on better advertising to boost their image and reputation. Peace out.

How to blow your mind AGAIN

Video 1

Video 2

1. Buffer both videos

2. Play video 1.

3. Stop the video at 10 seconds.

4. Start video 1 and 2 together.

5. Mind = BLOWN!

April Fools

I am getting married.

So much has happened over the past few months. I had so little interaction with the people I knew. Then I met someone...

I'll just get to the point. I'm getting married at the end of the year.

How to blow your mind away.

Step 1: Head to www.google.com

Step 2: Click 'Images' on the top left of the page.

Step 3: Search for 'blue sea slugs'.

Jaw = Dropped!

Mind = Blown!

I am building a new house...

Since Kiabor 'died' it wouldn't make sense to go on with the previous blog. So I thought I'd start something new. Perhaps there should be a proper burial for him... NAH!

The skin ain't to my liking but I'll gradually customize everything here. Can't possibly do too much until exams are over.

More nonsense to come. More good years ahead. TEHE!