How to Survive an Apocalypse: General Tips

First of you will need a survival pack. Specifics can be found here. If you're lazy to get the full set, like me, I'd say have a torchlight, swiss army knife, lighter and a first aid kit. Thats the minimum you should have.

Then, depending on the situation, it would be wise to form a team. Call your friends up. Working with people you are familiar with would be great. Try to form a well-rounded team based on the different classes and of course, stay away from the snitches and leechers.

Once you have a team, it would be good to have a base of operations. A good defensible base with multiple escape routes would be good. Fortify and stay safe.

If you are Asian, like me, you will 99% of the time become a jabroni (so you will die somehow, somewhere) unless you are Japanese. The only people who have the highest chance of survival are Caucasians. Besides that...

You have to be a freaking handsome/beautiful person. The next best candidates for survival are these category of people. The charming looks are a natural repellent of death. If you aren't well-endowed, just take everyday as it comes. Each day will be a blessing. Of course being good looking also means your partner must be good looking.

Depending on how merciless or practical you are, it would be wise not to have your spouse in your team. Yes. NO SPOUSE IN YOUR TEAM. Why? Unless your spouse is the ultimate survivor, love can only screw your chances of surviving. The story is the same all the time. A plan is executed and somehow, somewhere the plan goes awry. Then a spouse gets into 1) a life threatening situation or 2) a fatal accident. Since love prevails, the other love bird would in the case of 1) jump to the rescue and 2) become depressed and demoralized which in turn leads to carelessness and eventually death. In some cases, other jabronis are dragged to hell as well. So if you really want to survive, either get a kick ass spouse or just put a bullet in your spouse's head and save yourself from future misery. If love prevails, then don't say I didn't warn you. Of course if you and your spouse fall under the category of good looking people, then you stand a fantastic chance of survival.

So that about covers most of the general tips for survival. In the next post, we will look at survival tips in specific situations.

How to Survive an Apocalypse: Roles and Classes

So Harold claims that Apocalypse has been postponed again! Thats the 3rd time! 3rd TIME!!! If it doesn't happen, what reason will you be coming up with next? I thinking something along the lines of, 'Oh... I think the PC up there failed. There was a virus that prevented Earth from being uninstalled. They're scanning the system with Norton to get rid of the virus and spyware after which uninstallation would resume. The scan would take XX years so the next date of Apocalypse is ...'

That aside, if Apocalypse did happen, how are we to survive? For the next few days, we'll look at surviving Apocalypse. Today we begin with a person's:

Roles

Before talking about survival, here are the 3 main roles you may fall in:

The Survivor: Less than 1% of the world would survive the entire Apocalypse. Only the chosen ones belong in this class.

The Bad Guys: From minions to the Evil Mastermind, they make things hard for the Survivor. Some may survive so that they can carry on the fight another day.

The Jabroni: Most of the people will fall here. Rarely do they survive the Apocalypse. They die to make the Survivors look good.

Classes

Then there is the class you might belong to:

The Leader: The voice of the group. The Commander. The man with the plan.

The Geek: The one with all the know-how. A walking encyclopedia.High intelligence and technical expertise might be compensated by a low EQ.

The Hulk: Pure brute force. The guy who spent every day of the week pumping muscles before Apocalypse. Overwhelming strength might sometimes be overshadowed by a lower intelligence.

The Medic: Heal. Heal. Heal.

The Weapon: An expert with some/many/most weapons. Shoots/chops/blows/kicks/punches anything with lethal efficiency.

The Stamina: Probably a previous sportsman. Not to be confused with the Hulk. Keeps going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...

The 'Ninja': Agility and stealth. Ability to fight is optional. Those belonging to this class have good sneaking skills and/or are good thieves/ lock-pickers.

The Leecher: A burden to whichever group he/she is in. Not good with anything but wasting resources. Usually the cause of death for Jabronis.

The Snitch: The idiot who usually keeps the last Kit-Kat and says there's no food left. The traitor who would turn on you for a piece of Kit-Kat. The little twat who would sells you out. Another main cause of death for Jabronis.

The classes are very general and any person might inherit characteristics from different classes. In the next post, we will look at general tips on surviving any Apocalypse.

I am Turboman!

But I'll probably become Brokenman after it all ends...

Apocalypse

Some guy in in America said that Apocalypse is approaching. I wish I could bet against him... Wait, his Christian... So that means he can't bet... DARN! Anyways. Its supposed to happen on 21st May 2011 at 6 p.m in America. Meaning in about 4 hours time, the world might just end...

According to this article, good people will be beamed to heaven, leaving scums like me behind to suffer hell on Earth until October 21st. That means that ALL the crazed people (a small portion, not all) from City Harvest are going to be gone! Why does it feel like I would like it better if the apocalypse DID happen? If apocalypse does not happen, I'm sure the guy who predicted this would try to save his own face by saying something along the lines of, 'Oh! The world prayed enough and the apocalypse has been postponed!'

Anyways that means I (and the other scums left behind) get to be KING! Wowow wee woh! King in the castle! King in the castle! At least until they decide to end the party on 21st October. That means 6 months of nonstop fun... Sounds like a good deal to me.

Nonsense aside, I have one more piece of nonsense. In light of impending doom, I thought it would be appropriate end the post with the BEST SONG FOR AN APOCALYPSE EVER CREATED. Enjoy scums and heaven-bound people.

JUMP FOR JOY!

The thing that caught my eye in the new Government cabinet was not an appointment but rather an omission and its none other than the minister I have been flaming for the past few posts. Mah Bow Tan has 'retired'. Well thats the nicer way of putting it but actually its just a nicer way of saying he got outed by the gang, sacked, rejected, FIRED! Here's a little tribute to him and his buds, Raymond Lim and Wong Kan Seng.

Sooooooo wrong...

I only got 2 predictions right BUT I'm glad I was right that their total percentage fell. This fall would be good for the nation. Why? Mainly because the PAP know they cannot afford to be complacent and ignore the voices of the people anymore.

The fall of Aljunied GRC is of significant importance. Despite having George Yeo, Lim Hwee Hua and Zainul Abideen as main weights, it was still won by the Worker's Party. This shows that the PAP is not as impregnable as they were in the past. Their GRC strongholds can be breeched. They can be taken apart.

This victory for Worker's Party is also a statement of intent. It shows that they aren't going to hide in Hougang forever. They have what it takes to expand and with this victory, their ability to recruit quality will increase. Come next election, there will bound to be even stronger candidates from the Alternative parties.

PAP has realized this is a sign of things to come if they go on stuffing policies down our throats with no regards to our thoughts and behaving all high and mighty. They know they cannot afford to jalan jalan on our faces for the coming years and if they continue to do so, it would be downright foolish. The figures are there. They don't have many victories greater than 60% for many of the GRCs. They can even be considered lucky to scrape through with a couple of SMCs. If they forget that this victory was hard-worn, they can be sure the next election will see them lose even more.

I respect the fact that Hsien Loong kor kor apologised. In fact it could have been his apology that saved his party but it remains to be seen if they have learnt their lesson.

That aside. I still CANNOT FATHOM WHY MAH BOW TAN IS STILL IN PARLIAMENT!!! I wonder if those voters in Tampines who voted for him realise that this was the chap who made our houses insanely expensive. The chap who is making many spend half their lives paying for their houses and still claiming they are affordable. I can accept that people like Lui Tuck Yew and Charles Chong are still in parliament but I don't understand why this champ is still in. UNACCEPTABLE! Now we might have to repent for 5 years for this. Thanks for screwing up the plan.

As for Tin Pei Ling, I'll just watch how the world tears her to shreds. Somehow I think its 70% her and 30% Nicole that Ah Goh didn't get a firm victory. Maybe Hsien Loong bro placed her there to sabo Ah Goh, tongue-in-cheek style. Ah Goh was definitely not pleased. I won't be surprised if she is removed and a by-election takes place with George Yeo taking over. May the drama begin...

Alien vs Predictor

I've cast my vote and as my vote is secret, suffice to say I've been very obedient. The entire week of rallies mounts up to this day. With all the results to be announced. With that I would want to state down my predictions.

Well I would expect that PAP would still retain a vast majority of the seats but their mandate won't be as strong as 2006. There would definitely be a drop of their overall votes. Previously it was 66.6%. I'm predicting that it would fall to around 60% give and take 2%, mostly give I'd say.

I'm also going to say the following parts would probably be won by the Alternative Parties:

1) Aljunied GRC (WP)

2) Tampines GRC (NSP)

3) Bishan/Toa Payoh GRC (SPP)

4) Hougang SMC (WP: Yaw Shin Leong)

5) Potong Pasir SMC (SPP: Lina Chiam)

6) Mountbatten SMC (NSP: Jeannette Chong)

Black horse predictions:

GRCs: East Coast GRC (WP) and Holland Village/Bukit Timah GRC (SDP)

SMCs: Pioneer SMC (NSP: Steve Chia), Joo Chiat SMC (WP: Yee Jenn Jong)

There are a few PAP minister who I wish would not return to parliament namely Lui Tuck Yew, Vivian Balakrishnan, Gan Kim Yong, Wong Kan Seng, Charles Chong and most importantly Mah Bow Tan. They don't come up with great ideas and seems to me as though they're around only to infuriate Singaporeans. I seriously hope that the Tampines residents can see enough sense to vote MBT out. I can't fathom a reason not to. He is a serious waste of taxpayer's money. For a loser who snuck through the GRC back door not to be ejected, you guys seriously have to repent if he still wins.

I'm thinking Worker's Party would be able to push through due to the overwhelming support. If their rally support converts to votes, I don't see them losing. Perhaps they might even win some of the unmentioned GRCs. For Aljunied, though George Yeo is a fine person but I think his time in Aljunied is up. Especially with that report about the police case resurfacing so close to polling day. Definitely a dent to their hopes. The SMS from the PAP support group and that last minute leaflet further depict a desperate attempt at salvaging some lost hope.

Chiam See Tong has been a passionate and selfless leader all the while and with Wong Kan Seng and Mas Selamat's escape still tied together, I'm inclined to hope that Mr Chiam claims the GRC since even the SM threw Wong Kan Seng under the bus in defense of George Yeo. Sitoh has been in situ for the past 5 years and I can still see Chiam's loyal supporters voting keep SPP in Potong Pasir.

On the NSP side, it would be impossible to topple Goh Cheok Tong's stronghold despite the Nicole phenomenon but I can picture Jeannette Chong taking Mountbatten. Steve Chia might sneak one against the PAP at Pioneer. I'm expecting them to win Tampines by default.

Last but not least, with Vivian' low blow and budget blow, I won't be suprised if people have had enough of him and decides to let him enjoy his 3 meals a day in a hawker centre, foodcourt or restaurant as a CIVILIAN.